[ allison has a hard time bringing herself to look up at him. even when she feels him stop, feels him move towards her. she knows he's not expecting anything from her and she's not expecting anything from him, but they're so similar, so alike in that way, that allison's too scared to move.
she wouldn't be able to face herself. why would she be able to face stiles? face anyone?
what right did she have to do any of this? because that's what it comes down to, for her. the new girl still fighting for her place in line, in this town. she has her best friend and she has scott (and now isaac, but does that count if it's just here?) and she has the memory of the deaths of the women in her family. her mother's grave, her aunt's grave, and yet no matter how hard she tries, she's still trying to find her ground. back when she and scott were dating, when she knew his secret and had to meet with him in the middle of the night, out in the woods, he'd called her his anchor. it sounded a little silly at the time, but it made sense. for him, then, she was what pulled him back. held him to his humanity. and allison never realized how much that was necessary, for anyone, for everyone. she figured it was just a werewolf thing, but the more she thinks about that, the more she knows that's crap.
she was floating aimlessly out at sea. no town to hold her there, no family. when the only constants she'd every had were cut in two thirds in a just a few months...
when she takes her next breath, she hopes it doesn't sound like a sob. hopes, prays, that it's all just in her head. that it's the cold and the fact she's just being hypersensitive about it, but she doesn't know.
and then there's stiles. stiles, who matches scott in everything. stiles, who comes up with everything, puts everything together. who lost his mom when he was just a kid, and here she is falling apart over it. and while she wants to hate herself for it, (because she does. she wants to hate it all and everyone, wants to sink a little further into that darkness in her chest because at least that'd be easy) she can't help that little voice in the back of her head that tells her of everyone, anyone, here. stiles would judge you the least. it's the only reason she looks up at him when she does, the only reason she's able to look up at all.
it doesn't make anything better, not really, but it doesn't hurt. ]
I don't have anyone left. [ she's not trying to compete with him, when she says that. not trying to do anything but share with him that part of her. gerard would be the closest kin, since despite his health he is still mentally capable of taking care of her, and the thought makes her sick. so sick, she has that thought again. that thought that she hasn't been able to shake since that moment when derek came back into the room with that look in his eyes.
i'd rather die.
and then stiles is smiling, in that haunted sort of way, and allison's chest tightens in how simple that looks. how easy it would be to match him in it. she doesn't, but she could, and her eyes fall back to the snow. ]
I'd want him here. [ it's selfish, she's being selfish, how could you do that to your father but allison just closes her eyes, holds them closed very tightly, hoping to hold back everything else that follows. ] I mean, I don't, I don't want him to deal with this if he doesn't have to, but- but they come back here. He'd come back.
[ she couldn't save anyone, and that's what it came down to. not jackson, not derek, not scott or isaac or cora or stiles. the one event that was supposed to be her's, a chance to prove that she was worth doing anything at all, and they all-
if she couldn't save them here, couldn't save them when no one had powers. no one was a werewolf, or a darach, and instead everyone was on the same level of skill. if she couldn't save anyone, then, how would she be able to save her dad? ]
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she wouldn't be able to face herself. why would she be able to face stiles? face anyone?
what right did she have to do any of this? because that's what it comes down to, for her. the new girl still fighting for her place in line, in this town. she has her best friend and she has scott (and now isaac, but does that count if it's just here?) and she has the memory of the deaths of the women in her family. her mother's grave, her aunt's grave, and yet no matter how hard she tries, she's still trying to find her ground. back when she and scott were dating, when she knew his secret and had to meet with him in the middle of the night, out in the woods, he'd called her his anchor. it sounded a little silly at the time, but it made sense. for him, then, she was what pulled him back. held him to his humanity. and allison never realized how much that was necessary, for anyone, for everyone. she figured it was just a werewolf thing, but the more she thinks about that, the more she knows that's crap.
she was floating aimlessly out at sea. no town to hold her there, no family. when the only constants she'd every had were cut in two thirds in a just a few months...
when she takes her next breath, she hopes it doesn't sound like a sob. hopes, prays, that it's all just in her head. that it's the cold and the fact she's just being hypersensitive about it, but she doesn't know.
and then there's stiles. stiles, who matches scott in everything. stiles, who comes up with everything, puts everything together. who lost his mom when he was just a kid, and here she is falling apart over it. and while she wants to hate herself for it, (because she does. she wants to hate it all and everyone, wants to sink a little further into that darkness in her chest because at least that'd be easy) she can't help that little voice in the back of her head that tells her of everyone, anyone, here. stiles would judge you the least. it's the only reason she looks up at him when she does, the only reason she's able to look up at all.
it doesn't make anything better, not really, but it doesn't hurt. ]
I don't have anyone left. [ she's not trying to compete with him, when she says that. not trying to do anything but share with him that part of her. gerard would be the closest kin, since despite his health he is still mentally capable of taking care of her, and the thought makes her sick. so sick, she has that thought again. that thought that she hasn't been able to shake since that moment when derek came back into the room with that look in his eyes.
i'd rather die.
and then stiles is smiling, in that haunted sort of way, and allison's chest tightens in how simple that looks. how easy it would be to match him in it. she doesn't, but she could, and her eyes fall back to the snow. ]
I'd want him here. [ it's selfish, she's being selfish, how could you do that to your father but allison just closes her eyes, holds them closed very tightly, hoping to hold back everything else that follows. ] I mean, I don't, I don't want him to deal with this if he doesn't have to, but- but they come back here. He'd come back.
[ she couldn't save anyone, and that's what it came down to. not jackson, not derek, not scott or isaac or cora or stiles. the one event that was supposed to be her's, a chance to prove that she was worth doing anything at all, and they all-
if she couldn't save them here, couldn't save them when no one had powers. no one was a werewolf, or a darach, and instead everyone was on the same level of skill. if she couldn't save anyone, then, how would she be able to save her dad? ]